I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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