Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
