Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
