He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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