My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Pants are for mortals
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
