At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
