fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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