Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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