the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
