I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
