matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
