in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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