So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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