last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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