Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
