the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
