BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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