I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize