You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
