the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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