someone owes me an orgasm
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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