Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize