I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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