I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
