My underwear smells like fireworks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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