grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
