He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i came on her dog
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
