Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Drunk is not a location!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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