At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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