The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My penis needs a shock collar
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
