like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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