It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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