Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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