after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
