i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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