Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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