I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
