Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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