u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
