I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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