so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
