is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
