Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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