I can tuck mytits in my pants
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
