he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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