Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
