it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
