I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
