just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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