What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
