I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
