i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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