you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
