Can i not drive my cunt home
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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