genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
