i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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