you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We had sex on a dog bed..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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