I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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