There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
