can u get pink eye on your cock?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
