Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
