And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
