Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
