I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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